Like many of you, I’m currently a single father of two amazingly bright, talented, athletic and usually responsible children whose current ages are 13 and 19.  (and yes a father can brag about his kids!)

Last Friday night I received a phone call from my thirteen year old daughter who was quite upset.  I was talking to a female friend at the time but took my daughters call as it sounded important.  As a divorced father, I have always tried to talk to my kids every night when they are at their mothers if for no other reason to say good night and say I love you.  I think it’s important.  And no I’m not a perfect dad.  But I think I’m a good one.

On this night, my daughter was upset about a conversation we had had a few nights ago in front of her friend.  I’ll call it more of a low grade argument .  I was in a hurry to make it back to the office for a client call and we needed groceries.  I took my daughter and her friend along to the store and I quickly went from Isle to Isle (and no I wasn’t Island hopping) to get what I thought was needed.  Now I need to confess that I’m still not a very good grocery shopper.  Upon leaving the grocery store my daughter, who was talking and playing with her friend the whole time, asked me “Dad did you get something to eat for tonight?”   My answer was,  “yes, but did you get something to eat for tonight?”  Well that started off the controversy.  She said “You are my dad and it is not my responsibility to get things to eat for myself, it’s your responsibility.”   So I have to admit that rubbed me the wrong way because I had just taken them to the store with me and had picked her up from an all day tennis camp I had signed her up for and I had a full night of client calls ahead of me.   I informed her that she was perfectly capable of finding food to eat at the store for herself and her friend and not rely on me to do it and further I was not going to be making supper but she could.  Well we went back and forth all the way home and neither one of us was going to back down.  Now that may not be the best parenting but I can tell you that being a single divorced dad and running a business from home and running around for my kids is not easy and anyone who says it is  is lying.

So on that Friday night, she called and told me she had been thinking about the conversation a few days before and she was not going to “bury it” any more and was going to tell me how she feels.  Well I encouraged her to tell me and I listened trying to hear her.  Her friend had agreed that it was “my responsibility” as a parent to buy and cook and do all the parental things.  As it turns out, her friend also came from a divorced home.  One thing I have seen repeatedly is how parents often go overboard and over parent a divorced child often out of their own sense of guilt.  That’s a no win situation.  I’m sure I’ve been guilty of this myself.  Recently however I had drawn a line in the sand and had told my son and daughter that I was no longer going to be spending so much energy and time and money on them and doing with out but was going to be making my own needs as important as theirs.

There were other family dynamics at play that I’ll withhold for now but what I will share is a concept about responsibility that did wake me up.  My parents were very hard working, coupon cutting, frugal, non-new-car-buying, live within our means, if you want it work for it kind of parents.  I never went to any sports camps or had the life of ease my kids have.  Believe me my children have had a very good life so far and I have worked hard to instill responsibility in them as well.

What I heard my daughter say is that it was my responsibility as her legal guardian to buy all the food, and cook it and do all the things that most parents do.  Except that I am a single father and work in the evenings doing client calls and so I do not have time often to cook and clean up. I informed her that my job as a parent was to help teach her to be responsible in her life and teach her how to do things herself and not rely on me for everything.  She is at an important child-to-young adult threshold and learning how to make the bridge.

I think we do a disservice to our children when we buy into the notion that we owe them most everything.  My parents did extremely well without any hand outs or bailouts from the government or family members and they have raised responsible kids as well.  I used to complain some about their approach.  But I find that not teaching kids to be responsible for their choices, and their rooms, and meals and laundry is teaching them how to rely on someone other than themselves.  Now anyone who knows my kids would tell you that they are hard working and responsible so don’t think they are spoiled and lazy.  Well, maybe sometimes.

How much further ahead would we all be if we were all responsible for our lives and results in each area of our lives as well and didn’t require someone else to take the heat for our choices?  I know we’d have a lot less crime, a lot more healthy families, and a lot better employees and employers.

Until next time— Carpe Diem!

Cliff Stockamp
CEO and Founder of Total Success Institute LLC.
Email me your comments:  cliff@totalsuccessinstitute.com
www.totalsuccessinstitute.com